NEED or just a thought of needing him?

after having these thoughts lately, i now realized i never really understand the word NEED. what it is for me, or other people around me, and for the person i think i need. but one is certain about this need that i am talking about... i can sense a need of him... i don't understand it either but i just have this intense feeling of need. i feel like i needed him so much, that i can't do other things if he's not close by, or i have sensed that his presence or the mere fact that he existed in my life gave me the reason that i need him... YES. i need him not necessarily to be with me, or to talk to me or to be there always, his existence is enough for me. 

this is something that i've written in my Dear teppei book4 (my diary, but it's with teppei whom i'm talking to). of course it's a private note but i'll just say some parts of my notes from last night.(02/27/2013)

"i don't know. i can't explain what i'm feeling. i fell such heaviness and uneasy feeling. know what, i don't want to think so much that i buried myself on 1Q84. i don't want to think about that stuff now and that's my only way to escape thinking, but still, i can't help it. reading a book never last, i sometimes got tired of it too...

...i still haven't figured out the connection between Murakami's works and him. there's still this biiiiiiiiig gap between those two subjects...

...i think i told you this before that i feel the need to... ... ... ...close to where he is. i just sensed the need and i guess it gives me the drive to take the chances of... ... ...

...i don't mind at all if we see each other or not as long as i know that he's nearby. i still can't explain this to myself either. there is always my need for him and i don't ever want him away! besides, i'm really indebted to him. he helped me countless times before...serious problems or not."

"he's the only one who i can freely talk to the way i wanted to say things. talking to him is like reading Murakami's works. ... ... ... i want to speak out but no one is able to understand this than him, he's the only one who can bear my illogical thoughts with all understanding."

"... ...these should be put into words but i don't know how. but i know, whatever it is that i say to him, he'll never give a damn care about it. just like what he told me before... I KNOW HIM WELL... yes.. i know him very well.. so no need to give such effort (it'll be useless)."

i wonder if reading murakami's works makes me feel and think this way or i just don't know what to think about and i ended up thinking so random... it's a real mess to have a mind as this! can't stop thinking of something i don't know...

i am always thinking what i am thinking!

an inch facing death

what's wrong with me last night? i was like i am not me. i am not myself. i am in the present but my mind and my whole being is not inside me. 

I was in the pinch of facing DEATH twice last night. Just an inch and i;ll be gone forever... i was almost got hit my a motorcycle twice last night but i think God don't want me to die yet. it's not my time so he pulled me back and made me safe. I may not be in the whole sense of it but i know its HIM who saved me from that pinch. and as i promised HIM, i'll never do what i did before. i want HIM to be proud of me. i want HIM to be happy that His will and His words are done in the way He wanted it to be. 

I thank You, Father, for never letting me be in the situation where i need to deal with this word above. Thank you, Father, for all the forgiveness beyond my sins. as i offer my life to you, Lord, i want to be Your daughter, and enter your Sacred Kingdom. Thanks for saving me many times. I LOVE YOU FATHER.