i've been with lots of people who experienced too much failure or despair. those feelings became their foundation to keep trying harder so that they will never be the same loser again... but i suddenly realized how come i can't make myself try any harder? Am i incapable of doing things beyond my boundaries or i'm just not motivated to do things better.
whenever i met people like them i always feel like a loser--a great, stupid loser who can't do things without depending on others. but there is one guy whom i always depend on said that i am not depending on him or to anyone. i said " how can you say that?" he said "when you have exams, you read your books, your search on pc and internet, you use the resources you have. who bought the books? you. who type what to search on the internet? you. who looks for the resources? you. You're the one who do all those things. you didn't depend on me or to anyone. If ever you asked me some things and i helped you, it is because of your privilege. we're strangers until we form a alliance and then a friendship. this is one of the benefits of our friendship. you're not depending on me" and after what he told me, i felt pity on myself... i know from the start that without him, this guy that i always wanted to talk to, i think i can't make myself try even a little. His small insults made my competitive and want to try more. i want to beat him at least at one point of our similarities but i cant find anything to beat him. he's always three steps ahead of me... but you know what, i am happy that even he's ahead of me he always looked back and check if im still fine. though he didn't say it... i know that this cool, mean, cocky guy is always a caring and sweet man... :)
im so glad that i met him and he came to my life... i always liked him even until now and i guess this is all we're ever gonna be. though some people really wanted more than this for us... im sorry dudes but there's nothing to expect from us. we're bounded with limitations and boundaries that only us can see.
i wish i will be able to know how to try harder... i mean hardest... give more of what i have... exert more than what i can give. honestly i want to torment myself like working too hard.. as in too hard... spending all my time working and working and working until i can't stand anymore. until all my energy was sucked up. until i can no longer lift a single finger. i want to make myself busy and hard working... i just don't know how... i want to get myself tired of working and moving... not tired of doing nothing...
i am totally tired of having my emotions get over me... i need to change.. HENSHIN!! HENSHIN!! HENSHIN!!! changes really are scary but i think they are good in some ways... so im gonna start changing myself little by little..
JAA!! matta ne~
