Here I go again. I can’t help but be like
this! There’s so much I want to sat but I can’t say what I really want to
convey and it gives me this heavy feeling—the
feeling that I can only turn into tears. I sometimes think that it’s not
necessary to be so dramatic but tears rolled down from my eyes before I knew
it. I feel like I am alone, that there’s no one there for me to listen and to
hear comfort words. There’s no one who will say I’m stupid for being like this,
no one to hit me on my head and say I don’t have to think about this kind of
stuff because I can gain nothing from it. I feel so pathetic everytime I’m like
this. I am so helpless! I always acted tough and independent but the truth is I
can’t depend on myself, I always need someone I can depend on but I don’t have
that someone. I know I have a lot of friends as in real friends, but they are
happy now and at some point they also have their own problems so why would I
bother them? I don’t want to be a trouble to anyone anymore that’s why I am
holding everything here inside me. Everything that I can’t even understand.
Keeping it all inside might be a bad idea because I might die out of depression
but this is all I can do. I can always make a fake smile so that no one will
know my sufferings; I don’t want to give my friends problems. I know I used to
tell everything that popped my head because I can’t keep it but this time is a
lot different form my past. I am not the same me as before. I am not the
cheerful, talkative girl I used to be. I was so real before, if I hate someone,
I really would say I hate them, if I was hurt, I would tell I was hurt, that
was I was before. This time, it’s different. I can’t say anything I want
because I might hurt others, I always smile but deep inside I was doomed. Seeing
my family and friends happy is the best thing I ever wish to see so I don’t
mind what’s gonna happen to me. See, even at this time, the reason why I am
writing this is because I need an outlet…an outlet to say everything I have to
say. I think this is a stupid way but this is all I can do. I really hate
feeling so down and blue but there’s a lot of things that making me feel this
way.
As much as I wanted to say more crazy, and
fun stuff, here I am writing all the drama! I just have to let this out. Maybe
I’ll know someday why am I like this… maybe I’ll know the answer soon and I
hope I will.
Bye!
03April2013
13:53
