Instinct and Quicksand

Instinct and Quicksand

I never felt this way before. For the first time in my life I felt like I’m sensing something I can’t explain. I don’t want to overthink things but I don’t know why I felt that way most especially whenever I think about him. He’s been always what I think of and he’s already a part of me. I was dragged into his quicksand and can’t get out of it, well, actually I chose not to get out of it. Though I’ve been struggling, I took the risk to get deeper into it because that’s where my heart leads me. Pain, heartache, numbness… they are all part of his quicksand and truly to be known, I made myself stuck in it. He told me I could get out of it if I try but I don’t want to. I know it sounds like I’m just forcing myself to him… I don’t know. I can’t even know what to do with my feelings. I overly fallen for him. Weirdly in love with him. I hated myself for this. I betrayed a friendship and took the risk of choosing him, I fooled myself too much to believe on  things I never want to believe, and this feelings made a lot of broken roads which I need to fix. I don’t know if its just normal to someone in love to feel weird like this but what I really concluded is that my girl part have been activated by him and as proof, my instincts tells me something I can’t easily comprehend. My heart knows what’s happening but I don’t understand the language it spoke. Maybe I don’t really understand my own heart. There’s a lot of stuffs that’s been on my head right now and I can’t make my fingers write everything it sends. My heart’s been so weak since that day that I let my guard down. I let someone trespass my realm and now it came to this. He entered my fortress and I don’t want him to go anywhere anymore. I just want him to stay inside with me. I want him to be with me forever. Im being selfish I know and this is what I hated about myself. Whenever I want to be happy, my happiness just leads me to selfishness and sometimes I can’t control it especially when I’m too happy with everything. I’m too selfish… as he entered my realm, there I am wandering off and suddenly dragged into the quicksand he brought inside my realm. I loved him and I love him. I don’t know until when will I be like this but as long as I can feel it in my bones—these weird sensing of situations, I will be in love with him. I’m so damn crazy and weird! T__T

january 6, 2014

shit heart

Damn! What am I doing?? Im hurting myself again!! Damn it!! Why does it hurt so much when she’s the one who told me that? It really hurts! I feel like my heart’s gonna be torn into pieces. My knees weakened and my body feels so much chill inside. It hurts so much that I want to cry so bad but tears just don’t fall down. My heart has been feeling weird for the past days and now her words add up to my failing heart. My heart feels like it’s being squeezed by her own hand. It really hurts. Damn this feeling!! I’m not regretting that I still love him and I’m still in love with him… it’s just that I feel like I’m gonna fall down to my feet. Why do I have to fall deeply in love with someone who’s already tied up with her? I chose this for myself, I know but.. this pain… I thought I can handle it. I thought I can manage to smile beyond all these hidden pain but again and again I’m wrong! I’m always wrong. I can’t hide the fact that I’m so much hurt I feel like dying. DAMN!!!!! I hate this feeling.. I want to rip off my heart and throw it as far as I can!! I want to hide this feeling by whenever I am with him I just want to show him more.. show him and prove to him how much I love him… but seems like we are really in the wrong time… we are in the wrong planet… we are not in our world… we can’t rule here. We can’t make things happen here… too bad I got late and he’s tied up… shit! I really love him that’s why it hurts so bad!!! I really don’t know what to do right now.. I’m really hurt… SHIT!

23:01

09DEC2013

Im not myself so much

My heart never strops worrying for the whole day. I feel like there’s a big something that’s missing—and that was his presence. He was supposed to be with me today but fate really seemed to hate us—me especially, for not allowing me to be happy. I told him I’m not expecting anything but the hope was there. You cannot blame me for keeping all the hope if you started discussing the plans. It’s just so hard to ignore that hope in my heart. He never called… yes he left a couple of messages for the whole day but those were messages I didn’t understand. Oh! I’m feeling this way again. He told me that the plan will be cancelled if “that” happens and I think “that” really happened. I just hope he left a message about it. This feeling—a hopeful yet no-can-do feeling… it’s just so weird. And honestly, I’m really missiing him. For the whole day, I always think about what would he do if he’s with me?...how would he react about my family?... will he still be cool if my family bombarded him with bunch of questions?... will he enjoy being with the babies? How will he spend the night in our home?... will he be fine with our small home? I kept on thinking about all this the whole day. But at the back of my every questions… there are more questions… is he with her today? What are they doing at the moment?... is he happy while he’s with her?... does he think of me even for a moment? Did he gave a thought of going afterall? What’s on his mind, why he didn’t text or call me? A lot of questions but left unanswered. Keeping this feeling made me fore fragile and weak but the hopes on this feelings keep me strong and fixed. I don’t know if I should still keep this love for him but ending or forgetting it is also not an easy thing to do. Only time can answer all these questions. I don’t know how this story of us would end but I hope there will be no ending. I loved him. I love him. I still love him and I will love him always. My heart keeps on thinking about him until this hour so I hope I can sleep well without hearing his voice or reading a message from him. Bye!

14December2013

22:27

Akemashite omedetou!

Akemashite omedetou!

Hey there! New year!... so this calls for new year’s resolution… actually I haven’t given it a thought yet. But I have a few on my list:

1.       Book every payday

2.       Guitar and flute (I should have started studying it again)

3.       Be a little more feminine J

4.       Be productive

5.       Save. Save. Save

These are few of my resolutions that, well, I wish to do this year. Simple yet hard to do haha and one last thing… CONTINUE FALLING INLOVE. I have given myself ample of time to enjoy the life alone, now, I think its time to fall in love and experience being in a real relationship. I know this one is the hardest one to do. Why? Because even if I fall in love with someone, to be in a relationship, it requires two individual falling in love with one another. So that means, it is only applicable if someone falls for me, too, the same way that I fall for him… which tells me that… hmmm I still have a long way to go. No one ever fall for me. And I suck when it comes to love life. I always had unrequited love so this is really a big resolution. J

Well… let’s hope for the best this year!! I hoped it will be a great year since I had so much time talking to him over the phone yesterday so… he started out my year so good… thanks! So til next time! Jaa!

02January2014