Instinct and Quicksand

Instinct and Quicksand

I never felt this way before. For the first time in my life I felt like I’m sensing something I can’t explain. I don’t want to overthink things but I don’t know why I felt that way most especially whenever I think about him. He’s been always what I think of and he’s already a part of me. I was dragged into his quicksand and can’t get out of it, well, actually I chose not to get out of it. Though I’ve been struggling, I took the risk to get deeper into it because that’s where my heart leads me. Pain, heartache, numbness… they are all part of his quicksand and truly to be known, I made myself stuck in it. He told me I could get out of it if I try but I don’t want to. I know it sounds like I’m just forcing myself to him… I don’t know. I can’t even know what to do with my feelings. I overly fallen for him. Weirdly in love with him. I hated myself for this. I betrayed a friendship and took the risk of choosing him, I fooled myself too much to believe on  things I never want to believe, and this feelings made a lot of broken roads which I need to fix. I don’t know if its just normal to someone in love to feel weird like this but what I really concluded is that my girl part have been activated by him and as proof, my instincts tells me something I can’t easily comprehend. My heart knows what’s happening but I don’t understand the language it spoke. Maybe I don’t really understand my own heart. There’s a lot of stuffs that’s been on my head right now and I can’t make my fingers write everything it sends. My heart’s been so weak since that day that I let my guard down. I let someone trespass my realm and now it came to this. He entered my fortress and I don’t want him to go anywhere anymore. I just want him to stay inside with me. I want him to be with me forever. Im being selfish I know and this is what I hated about myself. Whenever I want to be happy, my happiness just leads me to selfishness and sometimes I can’t control it especially when I’m too happy with everything. I’m too selfish… as he entered my realm, there I am wandering off and suddenly dragged into the quicksand he brought inside my realm. I loved him and I love him. I don’t know until when will I be like this but as long as I can feel it in my bones—these weird sensing of situations, I will be in love with him. I’m so damn crazy and weird! T__T

january 6, 2014