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I Confessed :)

I Confessed J                                                                                                                   10 April 2013

                The last crazy thing that I did before my college life ends…

                I confessed. Finally, I told him what I really want to tell, though that’s not really everything I want to say but to make things easier, that’s the summary. J I don’t need to state detail per detail every move and every word and every little thing that had happened between us. I know, I’m the only one who thinks of it as special moments.

What do I get from confessing?

Hmmm… let me think about it… NOTHING! J That’s the simplest way to say it. I GOT NOTING FROM IT.

 but why did I confess any way?

Because I feel that that’s what I need to do and so I did.

What’s good about my situation?

 I never feel broken, instead I feel much complete.

How is that?

Because the very first rule not to break your heart after confessing is… NEVER EXPECT A POSITIVE RESPONSE ONCE YOU TOLD HIM WHAT YOU FEEL. You should decrease your expectation level so that if ever he did not give any response or he gave a negative response, the probability of a broken heart is lesser. J

Leave the World Behind and Move Forward

Leave the World Behind and Move Forward                                                        10 April 2013

As time passes by, I got bored each day and thoughts come across me often. As soon as things didn’t go well in my family, I realized that I have the responsibility to help my family. I feel so useless right now because I’m supposed to be out there looking for a job or I must be working now but still, I have no work.

Whenever I am alone, I always have these thoughts that when I got a job, I promise that I’ll do it not for myself but for my family. I’ll do it to help my family first. My own needs and wants can wait. I’ll provide what my family needs. And to do all that, I have to be tough. I have to set my goals. I have to leave this old, stinky world and live a new life. Forget everything in the past and move forward. I’ll do this for my family. It’s my responsibility. 

tears in the middle of hot summer days ;(

Here I go again. I can’t help but be like this! There’s so much I want to sat but I can’t say what I really want to convey and it gives me this heavy feeling—the  feeling that I can only turn into tears. I sometimes think that it’s not necessary to be so dramatic but tears rolled down from my eyes before I knew it. I feel like I am alone, that there’s no one there for me to listen and to hear comfort words. There’s no one who will say I’m stupid for being like this, no one to hit me on my head and say I don’t have to think about this kind of stuff because I can gain nothing from it. I feel so pathetic everytime I’m like this. I am so helpless! I always acted tough and independent but the truth is I can’t depend on myself, I always need someone I can depend on but I don’t have that someone. I know I have a lot of friends as in real friends, but they are happy now and at some point they also have their own problems so why would I bother them? I don’t want to be a trouble to anyone anymore that’s why I am holding everything here inside me. Everything that I can’t even understand. Keeping it all inside might be a bad idea because I might die out of depression but this is all I can do. I can always make a fake smile so that no one will know my sufferings; I don’t want to give my friends problems. I know I used to tell everything that popped my head because I can’t keep it but this time is a lot different form my past. I am not the same me as before. I am not the cheerful, talkative girl I used to be. I was so real before, if I hate someone, I really would say I hate them, if I was hurt, I would tell I was hurt, that was I was before. This time, it’s different. I can’t say anything I want because I might hurt others, I always smile but deep inside I was doomed. Seeing my family and friends happy is the best thing I ever wish to see so I don’t mind what’s gonna happen to me. See, even at this time, the reason why I am writing this is because I need an outlet…an outlet to say everything I have to say. I think this is a stupid way but this is all I can do. I really hate feeling so down and blue but there’s a lot of things that making me feel this way.

As much as I wanted to say more crazy, and fun stuff, here I am writing all the drama! I just have to let this out. Maybe I’ll know someday why am I like this… maybe I’ll know the answer soon and I hope I will.

Bye!

03April2013

13:53

a need to look like real human...

first time wearing dress in the university since i became bio major.. and this look really was way too different from my normal look

instant sleep over for the nth time XD

to be with her always and staying up all night till our heads get foggy and made us fall asleep... i love this girl so much and i'm very happy that she's one of my friends that is still with me in my boat of life... we've been friends since highschool and now that we are both on the endings of our university life... i'm so glad that even we entered different universities, we always have this kind of times together! i love you moi!!!

pen and paper

lately, i found myself having my other self come alive at night... how? uhm... i don't really know how to explain it but i think that who am i during the day is a bit different of who am i at night. some of my behaviors during the day are not seen at night... and at night,  am always in deep thoughts... thoughts that prevent me from sleeping. i feel like my head is full of words and those words need to be written or else i'll go insane and my head will be sliced into two and i don't want that to happen.  So, i realized that since i need an outlet to let all those thoughts off my mind, I always have a pen and paper close to me. So whenever this brain of mine started to think weird things again... i have my pen and paper beside me to write it all.

actually i already did it once, last march 19 at around 2:30 am. because i can't sleep at all thinking about this friend of mine. there's nothing about him that i should really be thinking but my head still works about something about him. so what i did was i wrote everything that popped into my head about him... so whenever my brain works so silly again, i always rely on my pen and paper and after that i can sleep well...

TENGO AND AOMAME

TENGO (pp 728/728 book 2 chapter 24)
"a more pressing problem for me is that i never been able to love anyone else seriously. i have never felt unconditional love for anyone since the day i was born, never felt that i could give myself completely to that one person. never once."
"the one possible exception is a girl i remember very well. we were in the same class in the third and fourth grades in Ichikawa. Yes, I'm talking about something that happened a good twenty years ago. i was very strongly drawn to her. I've thought about her all this time, and even now i still think about her a lot. but i never really talked to her....... but something happened recently that made me want to find her. i finally realized that i need her, that i want to see her...."
 "AOMAME, " tengo said. " I will find you no matter what."
 i will find Aomame, tengo swore to himself again, no matter what happens, no matter what kind of world it may be, no matter who she may be.


AOMAME ( pp 697-698 book 2 chapter 21)

 1Q84: that is the name given to this world. i entered it six months ago without meaning to, and now i am about to leave it quite deliberately. Tengo will stay here after i am gone. i have no idea, of course, what kind of world will it be for Tengo. there is no way i can see it through to the end. but so what? i am going to die for him. i was unable to live for myself: that possibility had already been stripped from me. instead, i will be able to die for him. that is enough. i can die smiling. 
this is no lie.


credits to Haruki Murakami 1Q84 and the animator

CHANCE ENCOUNTER

this very moment....

at the big elementary classroom, the girl named AOMAME suddenly grasped the left hand of the boy named TENGO. they were ten years old that time. the girl stared intently into the boy's eyes, gripping tightly his hands. the boy, astounded by the moment, wasn't able to utter any form of words.

this happened twenty-years ago...
but still aomame loves no other man than tengo. she knows that there is something in her heart, at the very corner lies a box, filled with her memories with tengo, the memories of their hands together.
tengo, on the other hand, realized that the reason why he had never loved any other woman is because he loved aomame deeply. he wasn't aware of it until he realized it that day.

the love of these two indivual can only meet through the CHANCE ENCOUNTER.

NEED or just a thought of needing him?

after having these thoughts lately, i now realized i never really understand the word NEED. what it is for me, or other people around me, and for the person i think i need. but one is certain about this need that i am talking about... i can sense a need of him... i don't understand it either but i just have this intense feeling of need. i feel like i needed him so much, that i can't do other things if he's not close by, or i have sensed that his presence or the mere fact that he existed in my life gave me the reason that i need him... YES. i need him not necessarily to be with me, or to talk to me or to be there always, his existence is enough for me. 

this is something that i've written in my Dear teppei book4 (my diary, but it's with teppei whom i'm talking to). of course it's a private note but i'll just say some parts of my notes from last night.(02/27/2013)

"i don't know. i can't explain what i'm feeling. i fell such heaviness and uneasy feeling. know what, i don't want to think so much that i buried myself on 1Q84. i don't want to think about that stuff now and that's my only way to escape thinking, but still, i can't help it. reading a book never last, i sometimes got tired of it too...

...i still haven't figured out the connection between Murakami's works and him. there's still this biiiiiiiiig gap between those two subjects...

...i think i told you this before that i feel the need to... ... ... ...close to where he is. i just sensed the need and i guess it gives me the drive to take the chances of... ... ...

...i don't mind at all if we see each other or not as long as i know that he's nearby. i still can't explain this to myself either. there is always my need for him and i don't ever want him away! besides, i'm really indebted to him. he helped me countless times before...serious problems or not."

"he's the only one who i can freely talk to the way i wanted to say things. talking to him is like reading Murakami's works. ... ... ... i want to speak out but no one is able to understand this than him, he's the only one who can bear my illogical thoughts with all understanding."

"... ...these should be put into words but i don't know how. but i know, whatever it is that i say to him, he'll never give a damn care about it. just like what he told me before... I KNOW HIM WELL... yes.. i know him very well.. so no need to give such effort (it'll be useless)."

i wonder if reading murakami's works makes me feel and think this way or i just don't know what to think about and i ended up thinking so random... it's a real mess to have a mind as this! can't stop thinking of something i don't know...

i am always thinking what i am thinking!

an inch facing death

what's wrong with me last night? i was like i am not me. i am not myself. i am in the present but my mind and my whole being is not inside me. 

I was in the pinch of facing DEATH twice last night. Just an inch and i;ll be gone forever... i was almost got hit my a motorcycle twice last night but i think God don't want me to die yet. it's not my time so he pulled me back and made me safe. I may not be in the whole sense of it but i know its HIM who saved me from that pinch. and as i promised HIM, i'll never do what i did before. i want HIM to be proud of me. i want HIM to be happy that His will and His words are done in the way He wanted it to be. 

I thank You, Father, for never letting me be in the situation where i need to deal with this word above. Thank you, Father, for all the forgiveness beyond my sins. as i offer my life to you, Lord, i want to be Your daughter, and enter your Sacred Kingdom. Thanks for saving me many times. I LOVE YOU FATHER.

my escape from nonsense thoughts

this is the book im currently reading... and as of now, i think i'm 1/4 done... it's so thick.. but i guarantee you, you will be caught alive with the "irresistibly engaging literary fantasy" according to the Washington post. but honestly speaking, it is really irresistible.. and once you started reading it with much interest, i swear you'll never want to let go of the book or, for greater impact, you'll crave for more of Haruki Murakami's book!!

i've started reading his novel "kafka on the shore" when i was still in my first year of my university life. i just read it out of boredom. at first, i was like "what in the world is this book?! i hardly understand what he means." but that was just during the first two chapters of the book, and after that, i didn't notice that during that time i was reading it, i'm almost done reading the halfway part of the book. Within three days, i manage to finished it-going to school during daytime, and spend most of my free time, including breaktime and lunches even riding to and from the school, reading it. it was really awesome.

since then, i declared that i love haruki murakami's works. i never let any chances of reading his works whenever there is available. i am still a student so i can't afford buying his books since it costs to much but with the great blessings from Above, i'm really grateful that someone gave me this book--1Q84! the latest book of Murakami at this point in time.

when i say "MY ESCAPE FROM NONSENSE THOUGHTS" i mean i figuratively escape... WHY? because my mind is such a realm of randomness and i usually have these random thoughts. like, i suddenly think of a story, then jumping to a person in my head, or i often think what i am really thinking... something like that... and reading his books made me realize that his world of fantasy in these fictions became the fortress of my head escaping the thoughts that i don't want to think about. see what i mean?

his books gave me all these mixed feelings that i never felt while reading books before. i am somehow captivated by the charm that his fictions release.

for another confession:
everytime i read his books, this certain guy (cant name him here ^_^) always comes to my head. how? i don't really know but it's not so long ago since i knew him and we're not even have that physical or personal interaction...but i am really curious about this. he's always comes to my head... sometimes i see him as the protagonist of the story... or sometimes the situation of the story itself. i don't know if there is a hidden connection between him and the books but the way the characters think or the scene is played in my head, he really is the one that resembles in that specific moment. can't really tell it in a more comprehensive way but this is the best of how i can say it. i don't know if its the book that is weird or me? hahhaha well it's not easy to have this kind of mind... hahaha...

ending of no beginning

i thought he was finally the one... but i was wrong... i am always wrong.
i let my guard down that's why it happened...
but one good thing is that i learned from it...

somehow... in that temporary moment of my life i learned to love and be loved... though it didn't last long.


to you who once been part of my life,

thank you for sharing irreplaceable memories with me...
thanks for all those sweet words, encouraging insults and words that i once believed...

thanks for teaching me the best lesson i have to learn... TRUST

sorry for not being the girl you wished me to be... im just me... and i did my best...
sorry for making you suffer from my non sense ideas, my demands, my wants...
i know you had enough of me and you can't take it anymore...
but i hope you said something before leaving me alone clueless...

so as we go our separate ways...
i want to say Good luck for finding what truly makes you happy...
i prayed for your happiness...
May God give you what you are looking for...

Goodbye and thanks for everything...

from me,
the girl who's still clueless of what happened...

finally, it's over

woooooh.. i was so happy today!!! why?

because finally everything's finally over... wooooh!!!

done with the practice teaching... done with the lesson plans...

done with the everyday preparation for class the next day...

done with dealing with THEM!!! hahaaha (shhh be quiet! :D)

but surely, im gonna miss these brats...

my cute and sweet grade 1 kids...




 

those bully kids - grade 7

 




the hyperactive and super energetic second year

 










those childish and sweet chismosas of third year

 

and of course the creative and not yet fully mature fourth year..

im so happy that for those 4 months of staying in that school, i learned so many things and i have proven a lot... not just to my fellow practice teachers, teachers in that school and students but also to myself.

im proud that i survived this stage of my life...
one of the highlights of the college life...though i complain a lot... everything is worthy... i learned a lot from them and i hope they learned a lot from me too :)

 with Mr. Richard Orpilla, our Cooperating Teacher

 with Mr. Johnnywil de Guzman, Math and Physics teacher

 with Mrs. Berroya, the principal

 with Ms. Maru, second year-B adviser

and of course, with Ms. Orange, the assisant directress

thanks for everything!!

Friendship

we've been together for almost 4 years...we have sad moments, arguments, misunderstandings, conflicts and issues but we never let those last for long... after a minute or two we found ourselves laughing together with nonsense things, having fun together, hurting each other out of enjoyment. we all have our own moments, our own stories, we are different in so many things and that's why it's fun to be part of this FRIENDSHIP.  the differences of each and everyone of us made the bond we made a strong one. we may still be weak, we may still have lots of things to learn but no matter how hard life brought us, still we find ourselves happy with each other. it's so fun to be with these people! and i never regretted the day that i got to know them. 

i love TIMBAJ!!! 

and i will forever treasure the bond, the friendship, the moments we shared!

these 4 years in college will not be the end of this friendship! 

let's make the rest out of it... let's live happy and be wild!!!! 

GAMBATTE TIMBAJ!!! I KNOW WE CAN ALL MAKE OUR DREAMS COME TRUE!!!

SUN and the MOON

i am always in awe of the beauty of the creation of God... who would never be!! see how amazing the sun rises and sets with its daily routine, the changes of its color and the phenomena happening in this little world that the Creator shared to us? i feel so blessed that i am part of this world... XP


what is the most romantic set up you would like to experience??
i thought watching the sun rise from passing the cold, silent night or witnessing the beauty of the blazing orange sunset when darkness arrives... before,whenever i saw the sun, rising or setting, it gave me this overexcited feeling. it was like, i would stare at it until it disappears from my sight. seeing the sun at its most perfect, most adorable, most glamorous point in time made me so happy and crazy! I always wanted to capture the best and most beautiful sun rise and sun set that will happen each of every day...

but not with the sun only...

don't forget the partner...

(gomen for the poor image. its difficult to capture this after-fullmoon view with the camera i used)


i realized, my every night would feel so lonely if the moon was not around. having the moon brightly shining above us on the vast starry sky, my heart felt so calm and peaceful. i love the moon as much as i love the sun but i can bear the cold night and the neck ache staring at the moon than the sun. whenever the full moon arrives, i feel so energized, so hyped up, so active! i feel like the moon is my strength. and catching a glimpse from the window or rooftop of our house,i wanted to stay with it until i fell asleep but of course that can't be done. hehe demo, i want to have a glass ceiling someday... where, at night, especially during the full moon, i would just lay down on the floor and gaze at the bright full moon with the stars... billion of stars above me! i feel like i'm in an open field! so free! so happy!


well.. whatever it is that you think is romantic.... im sure God never fails to give the best we all deserve to have!



have a good night minna~


jaa


bi.em signing off. ^_^

special message for my special friend

hey!!! just wanna tell to the world how wonderful this special friend of mine!!! there's so much  to tell about this girl.. but i can describe her in just one word--- REAL!

she may be a little aggressive (like me), a little childish, simple-minded, playful, sometimes she's MEAN!!! but her being mean is what makes her real!!!

she never regret saying what's on her mind... what she thinks about the person... how she would like things work out.. but beyond her being mean, tackless and bitchy I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

she's fragile deep inside... weak... still a crybaby... but no matter how she faces the trials of her life i am always and forever be in her side. i may not the best friend she can have or a friend who can always be with her all the time, but through happiness, in pain or in trouble... I PROMISE YOU... no matter how far we may be... i'll always be your friend... I LOVE YOU girl!! be strong... and always be the same you!! ^_^

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

i wish you happiness and great success!!! 

LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST! LIVE WITH NO REGRETS!!!

from me to you!

  

 

happy BIRTHDAY!!!

2nd year anniversary ^_^

11Jan 2011 (01-11-11)
that was the very day that i met this one great guy from a ten-member boy group in Japan. i never expected him to be made a sudden change in me... of course i was already a fangirl since before... but everything seemed to be so magical especially when i met so much people because of this fandom.

i can still vividly remember how everything started... how he came into my life and how much he means to me until now. i know i am a little outdated on fandom lately but he never left my heart. i am so much thankful that this guy... this very guy name YAMADA RYOSUKE appeared in my life. i am happy, and i feel like everyday is a new day to give my best so that i can achieve my dreams...

he may be so far away from me but this fact made me stronger and braver to continue living, to dream more and to take risk to achieve this dreams. every dreams come true.

i remember the words you say:
"when you feel down, just look up and always remember that we're under the same sky"

i was totally happy after reading that because you shared the same idea i have... that's what i always told myself ever since i became a fangirl... no matter where you are... we may be from different places, with seas and lands that became our boundaries, with language barrier that i chose to break, with hopes that i continue to hold tight... we will always be under the same sky... living in the same planet, loving the same Father God above us. 

whatever you choose to do especially in your career, i will always support you. i sometimes get heartbroken but soon i know i will accept your decisions...
so this will be my message for you.
i knew well that no matter how long or dramatic my message would be, it can never reach you. but i still want to do this so i can say what i want to say at this very moment of my life. I LOVE YOU and I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE TO SUPPORT YOU~

YAMADA RYOSUKE~~~ HAPPY 2ND ANNIVERSARY!!!