Anima – The Dimension of the Other World

I always envy the other world. Everything can happen there. Their world can create possibilities more than fairy tales can. Their world can make something out of nothing. How I wish I am part of their world. How I wish I can live there. I feel so inferior to their dimension. If only reality from this world can make a reality like in Anima.

In Anima, your hard work paid off the way you wanted it to be. You get the result you wished to have. You are appreciated and your perseverance gives you the best result you deserve. Your stubbornness is a good factor. Being serious about everything will give you a good reputation. Your uniqueness is highly appreciated. Your will to win things over will lead you to victory. You always have the situation play on your hand. And if you’re the protagonist, you’re always ending up happy. No matter how many battles you fought, how many painful memories you had, how many dangers you encountered, in Anima, it is your happiness and victory that counts. The possibilities in that dimension are beyond limit. It is infinite. Everything and anything, no matter how painful you’ve gone through, you’re always ending up in the good side. Anything can happen there. Impossible is unacceptable. The people you have side by side will never leave you, never betray you and never let you feel alone. You always have someone you can turn to, someone you can release all your pain to, someone who will be there no matter how hard things in life get. You can have the best people in Anima. This is the ideal, perfect world. In this world, no matter how hard you try, it’s not always you ended up the way you wanted it to be. You can’t predict what will happen if you made a single mistake. One wrong move and everything you plan will change its course. Even if you give your everything, it’s still not enough. Hard work is not enough. Perseverance is not enough. Determination is not enough. Your desire to win the battle, to be on top is not enough to have the best result. A little rest from everything will make your future in chaos. In this world, rest is not accepted. You have to continuously fight for everything or else, someone will instantly get what you’re aiming for so long. To gain reputation you have to lose your life. Stubbornness is one heck of a factor. You will be hated forever with that. You have to be the person that the society accepts. Your uniqueness became your weakness. You have been criticized by your originality. What the world wants from you is the image that everyone has. You have to be just like everyone so that the people will not look down on you. Their stares are the look that made you feel so puny. If you fight for yourself or for the sake of others, they will look for your faults, putting all the blame to you. Painful memories will forever hunt you no matter how hard you try to forget it. It will always be a part of you. Pain, sorrow, regret, troubles—they will forever be beside you. You may have a lot of people behind you but only few will stay and within that few people, maybe no one understands you. They may be with you always but they can only see the outside you. This world is imperfect. This world is made from impossibilities. And how come I am a part of this world? It is because this imperfect world created the imperfect me and so I belong to the inferior beings of the inferior world.

24 April 2013

17:56

The man of my life

He’s the man of my life

The only man who knows me to heart

The person who knows what I’m thinking

The man who feels what I’m feeling

He’s the man I admire a lot

The man, who loses the fight but never gives up

The man that sacrifices what he got

For the sake of happiness of the people he love

The man who keeps the pain alone

Bearing all the sufferings down to his bone

He’s like a saint but sure he’s imperfect

But I love the way he lives like perfect

Very industrious and helpful and kind

So cheerful and friendly all around

For me, I know he’s the best in the world

The greatest man I wanted to be shared

Fresh in my memories the moment I live

I felt his arm cradling me carefully

His gentle whispers known by me

With his kisses and hugs touching me softly

His discipline since long before

I still respect and follow

Like a commandment and preaching

In my mind I’m always reminiscing

When I entered school he’s with me

Unlike other kids having their mommies

He waited for me until the class was done

Always asking me if my day was fun

Until I reach my teenage life

I can’t imagine how he fights

With all the burden that struck him

There he is, still smiling

He’s always present in my special days

Coming to see us perform on the stage

His smile made my effort so worthy

Like sucking the exhaustion out of me

He’s very proud of us always

Speaking big about us on his friends on the way

He’s the total super fan of our fans club

The only member yet filled with love

Up until now, though I’m far

I can never forget his moments and smiles

His teachings and words etched in my heart

For I love the greatest man of my life.

 I dedicate this to the one who really showed his love through sacrifice, the one who always thinks of the others first, the one who fights for the goodness sak

e, the one who always bring out a smile on his face… the only man of my life—my FATHER… i love you...

29November 2011

10:27pm

Haruki Murakami Reading Challenge: Norwegian Wood T-shirt Giveaway

Haruki Murakami Reading Challenge: Norwegian Wood T-shirt Giveaway

and so i pray

all i need is a full blown prayer...
thanks to God that i manage to pass some of the obstacles today...

Vanishing Memories

0:43/ 14 April 2013

                Just done reading The Elephant Vanishes :D

What does that mean?

                That means I’ll get bored again because I’m done reading book and I have no more Murakami with me.

                Few more days and I’ll set back to Manila and start to find a job.

                Actually, there’s this line that I often encounter on the book…

“Why is it you can’t forget what you really want to forget?”

And I just came to the realization that it is so true. Those things that you want to forget, especially the painful and heartbreaking things, the more you wish for them to disappear, the more they surface on your head. It’s just so odd that those were the worst things that ever happened in your life and the fact that you want them to be erase in your head, it simply can’t be deleted even if at some time you think you’re through with it and when you least xpect it, it will surface again. It is really vey stressful that the memories you wished to vanish from the world, from your own little world, just don’t disappear!

                Maybe I was too absorbed by the books I’m reading that’s why I’m beginning to be like this again. But these books brought me a lot of realization. I mean  I know for the fact that I am not as logical as others and it made me feel so insecure.. a lot of intimidations!

                Well how I wish those painful memories will just vanish like the Elephant and it’s Keeper! They come and go and will never return to this pragmatic world I’m living. 

Since when I don’t know.

00:11/ 12 April 2013

Just finished reading past half of another Murakai book. It was given by my Bestfriend-as a gift—let’s say obligatory gift. It was like he gave me the book as a gift because I asked him to. That’s how good bestfriend he is… I don’t know if that was how it was exactly :D but thanks to him my boredom is much lesser. :D

I think I already told you since when I started getting addicted to Haruki Murakami right? But what made me think now is that since when did I realize that the characters or situations on H.M’s books are way too similar to his thinking and way of living. Of course, I love his books so much that I never got tired of reading it, reading them all! But since when did it came to me that he really is so much like what’s in the book? I can’t tell myself. I wasn’t so sure about when did I thought of it. It just come across me that at some chances. Maybe coincidences’ do happen, that he is so much alike. Until now, I enjoyed reading the books, like now The Elephant Vanishes, and still there’s him, quietly knocking at my very mind that the character talks and acts like he used to. And weird as it may seem, whenever I realize that, the story became more realistic and funnier. Whenever I use him as the character in my head, the story seemed like it’s a lot like it’s really happening. I’m not saying that I like the books more because it is a lot like him, I’m just saying that he, as the character—in-figure, made the story come to life. Well, I guess I’m so lucky to meet a guy who thinks and acts like those in the books I’m reading. Glad to have a character-in-figure friend of H.M’s books I’m reading :D Thanks a lot.

Bye! Got to go to Bed now! :D

Thoughts of Blue just by Thinking of You

11 April 2013

                Oh damn! This negativity roams around me again! That’s why I really hate thinking about the past where he was still there. Maybe I’m just so stubborn that I still keep that blueness deep within my existence but for sure, it was not deep within my heart. I no longer keep him inside it. I realized that I can keep him in my life because he was already been a part of me, a part of my past, but just a part of my deep existence but not a part of my heart. I no longer hurt myself by thinking of those moments instead I feel stupid because of what had happened. So it’s really true that when you fall in love, you instantly became stupid no matter how intelligent or strong or logical the person is. Love really can make someone stupid. This stupidity, somehow, taught me a lot and that matters most. Now, I’m glad that at some point in my life I became stupid but I learned. Somehow, it’s part of my little, enjoyable detour through my journey. I decided to stop every bit of thoughts about him. I know that I can manage to block that tiny hole where he’s peeping. And when I finally block it, for sure, I’ll get rid if this blueness within my existence. So help me God. J

WOOOH! I’m a little emotional here, sorry for that J don’t worry. That’s the old me… I’m no longer the emotional, silent crybaby that only I, myself know :D I’m a lot tougher, stronger and as for now I have n time for this stuff.

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I Confessed :)

I Confessed J                                                                                                                   10 April 2013

                The last crazy thing that I did before my college life ends…

                I confessed. Finally, I told him what I really want to tell, though that’s not really everything I want to say but to make things easier, that’s the summary. J I don’t need to state detail per detail every move and every word and every little thing that had happened between us. I know, I’m the only one who thinks of it as special moments.

What do I get from confessing?

Hmmm… let me think about it… NOTHING! J That’s the simplest way to say it. I GOT NOTING FROM IT.

 but why did I confess any way?

Because I feel that that’s what I need to do and so I did.

What’s good about my situation?

 I never feel broken, instead I feel much complete.

How is that?

Because the very first rule not to break your heart after confessing is… NEVER EXPECT A POSITIVE RESPONSE ONCE YOU TOLD HIM WHAT YOU FEEL. You should decrease your expectation level so that if ever he did not give any response or he gave a negative response, the probability of a broken heart is lesser. J

Leave the World Behind and Move Forward

Leave the World Behind and Move Forward                                                        10 April 2013

As time passes by, I got bored each day and thoughts come across me often. As soon as things didn’t go well in my family, I realized that I have the responsibility to help my family. I feel so useless right now because I’m supposed to be out there looking for a job or I must be working now but still, I have no work.

Whenever I am alone, I always have these thoughts that when I got a job, I promise that I’ll do it not for myself but for my family. I’ll do it to help my family first. My own needs and wants can wait. I’ll provide what my family needs. And to do all that, I have to be tough. I have to set my goals. I have to leave this old, stinky world and live a new life. Forget everything in the past and move forward. I’ll do this for my family. It’s my responsibility. 

tears in the middle of hot summer days ;(

Here I go again. I can’t help but be like this! There’s so much I want to sat but I can’t say what I really want to convey and it gives me this heavy feeling—the  feeling that I can only turn into tears. I sometimes think that it’s not necessary to be so dramatic but tears rolled down from my eyes before I knew it. I feel like I am alone, that there’s no one there for me to listen and to hear comfort words. There’s no one who will say I’m stupid for being like this, no one to hit me on my head and say I don’t have to think about this kind of stuff because I can gain nothing from it. I feel so pathetic everytime I’m like this. I am so helpless! I always acted tough and independent but the truth is I can’t depend on myself, I always need someone I can depend on but I don’t have that someone. I know I have a lot of friends as in real friends, but they are happy now and at some point they also have their own problems so why would I bother them? I don’t want to be a trouble to anyone anymore that’s why I am holding everything here inside me. Everything that I can’t even understand. Keeping it all inside might be a bad idea because I might die out of depression but this is all I can do. I can always make a fake smile so that no one will know my sufferings; I don’t want to give my friends problems. I know I used to tell everything that popped my head because I can’t keep it but this time is a lot different form my past. I am not the same me as before. I am not the cheerful, talkative girl I used to be. I was so real before, if I hate someone, I really would say I hate them, if I was hurt, I would tell I was hurt, that was I was before. This time, it’s different. I can’t say anything I want because I might hurt others, I always smile but deep inside I was doomed. Seeing my family and friends happy is the best thing I ever wish to see so I don’t mind what’s gonna happen to me. See, even at this time, the reason why I am writing this is because I need an outlet…an outlet to say everything I have to say. I think this is a stupid way but this is all I can do. I really hate feeling so down and blue but there’s a lot of things that making me feel this way.

As much as I wanted to say more crazy, and fun stuff, here I am writing all the drama! I just have to let this out. Maybe I’ll know someday why am I like this… maybe I’ll know the answer soon and I hope I will.

Bye!

03April2013

13:53

a need to look like real human...

first time wearing dress in the university since i became bio major.. and this look really was way too different from my normal look

instant sleep over for the nth time XD

to be with her always and staying up all night till our heads get foggy and made us fall asleep... i love this girl so much and i'm very happy that she's one of my friends that is still with me in my boat of life... we've been friends since highschool and now that we are both on the endings of our university life... i'm so glad that even we entered different universities, we always have this kind of times together! i love you moi!!!

pen and paper

lately, i found myself having my other self come alive at night... how? uhm... i don't really know how to explain it but i think that who am i during the day is a bit different of who am i at night. some of my behaviors during the day are not seen at night... and at night,  am always in deep thoughts... thoughts that prevent me from sleeping. i feel like my head is full of words and those words need to be written or else i'll go insane and my head will be sliced into two and i don't want that to happen.  So, i realized that since i need an outlet to let all those thoughts off my mind, I always have a pen and paper close to me. So whenever this brain of mine started to think weird things again... i have my pen and paper beside me to write it all.

actually i already did it once, last march 19 at around 2:30 am. because i can't sleep at all thinking about this friend of mine. there's nothing about him that i should really be thinking but my head still works about something about him. so what i did was i wrote everything that popped into my head about him... so whenever my brain works so silly again, i always rely on my pen and paper and after that i can sleep well...

TENGO AND AOMAME

TENGO (pp 728/728 book 2 chapter 24)
"a more pressing problem for me is that i never been able to love anyone else seriously. i have never felt unconditional love for anyone since the day i was born, never felt that i could give myself completely to that one person. never once."
"the one possible exception is a girl i remember very well. we were in the same class in the third and fourth grades in Ichikawa. Yes, I'm talking about something that happened a good twenty years ago. i was very strongly drawn to her. I've thought about her all this time, and even now i still think about her a lot. but i never really talked to her....... but something happened recently that made me want to find her. i finally realized that i need her, that i want to see her...."
 "AOMAME, " tengo said. " I will find you no matter what."
 i will find Aomame, tengo swore to himself again, no matter what happens, no matter what kind of world it may be, no matter who she may be.


AOMAME ( pp 697-698 book 2 chapter 21)

 1Q84: that is the name given to this world. i entered it six months ago without meaning to, and now i am about to leave it quite deliberately. Tengo will stay here after i am gone. i have no idea, of course, what kind of world will it be for Tengo. there is no way i can see it through to the end. but so what? i am going to die for him. i was unable to live for myself: that possibility had already been stripped from me. instead, i will be able to die for him. that is enough. i can die smiling. 
this is no lie.


credits to Haruki Murakami 1Q84 and the animator

CHANCE ENCOUNTER

this very moment....

at the big elementary classroom, the girl named AOMAME suddenly grasped the left hand of the boy named TENGO. they were ten years old that time. the girl stared intently into the boy's eyes, gripping tightly his hands. the boy, astounded by the moment, wasn't able to utter any form of words.

this happened twenty-years ago...
but still aomame loves no other man than tengo. she knows that there is something in her heart, at the very corner lies a box, filled with her memories with tengo, the memories of their hands together.
tengo, on the other hand, realized that the reason why he had never loved any other woman is because he loved aomame deeply. he wasn't aware of it until he realized it that day.

the love of these two indivual can only meet through the CHANCE ENCOUNTER.

NEED or just a thought of needing him?

after having these thoughts lately, i now realized i never really understand the word NEED. what it is for me, or other people around me, and for the person i think i need. but one is certain about this need that i am talking about... i can sense a need of him... i don't understand it either but i just have this intense feeling of need. i feel like i needed him so much, that i can't do other things if he's not close by, or i have sensed that his presence or the mere fact that he existed in my life gave me the reason that i need him... YES. i need him not necessarily to be with me, or to talk to me or to be there always, his existence is enough for me. 

this is something that i've written in my Dear teppei book4 (my diary, but it's with teppei whom i'm talking to). of course it's a private note but i'll just say some parts of my notes from last night.(02/27/2013)

"i don't know. i can't explain what i'm feeling. i fell such heaviness and uneasy feeling. know what, i don't want to think so much that i buried myself on 1Q84. i don't want to think about that stuff now and that's my only way to escape thinking, but still, i can't help it. reading a book never last, i sometimes got tired of it too...

...i still haven't figured out the connection between Murakami's works and him. there's still this biiiiiiiiig gap between those two subjects...

...i think i told you this before that i feel the need to... ... ... ...close to where he is. i just sensed the need and i guess it gives me the drive to take the chances of... ... ...

...i don't mind at all if we see each other or not as long as i know that he's nearby. i still can't explain this to myself either. there is always my need for him and i don't ever want him away! besides, i'm really indebted to him. he helped me countless times before...serious problems or not."

"he's the only one who i can freely talk to the way i wanted to say things. talking to him is like reading Murakami's works. ... ... ... i want to speak out but no one is able to understand this than him, he's the only one who can bear my illogical thoughts with all understanding."

"... ...these should be put into words but i don't know how. but i know, whatever it is that i say to him, he'll never give a damn care about it. just like what he told me before... I KNOW HIM WELL... yes.. i know him very well.. so no need to give such effort (it'll be useless)."

i wonder if reading murakami's works makes me feel and think this way or i just don't know what to think about and i ended up thinking so random... it's a real mess to have a mind as this! can't stop thinking of something i don't know...

i am always thinking what i am thinking!

an inch facing death

what's wrong with me last night? i was like i am not me. i am not myself. i am in the present but my mind and my whole being is not inside me. 

I was in the pinch of facing DEATH twice last night. Just an inch and i;ll be gone forever... i was almost got hit my a motorcycle twice last night but i think God don't want me to die yet. it's not my time so he pulled me back and made me safe. I may not be in the whole sense of it but i know its HIM who saved me from that pinch. and as i promised HIM, i'll never do what i did before. i want HIM to be proud of me. i want HIM to be happy that His will and His words are done in the way He wanted it to be. 

I thank You, Father, for never letting me be in the situation where i need to deal with this word above. Thank you, Father, for all the forgiveness beyond my sins. as i offer my life to you, Lord, i want to be Your daughter, and enter your Sacred Kingdom. Thanks for saving me many times. I LOVE YOU FATHER.