been a long time :))

I can't remember the last time i posted here... well it doesn't matter... besides, i the only one who reads these posts...

by the way.. there's a lot of things going on right now and before i even realized it, it's already happening... one great thing is that I already have a boyfriend.. yes... finally, God sent someone to look after me and take care of me... someone who's there for me.. someone i can be with and be happy to be with... as of today... we're already 1 month and 25 days in relationship and I'm happy to be with him. Like i'm missing him so much... i always wanted to be with him, do stuffs with him, talk all day and all night with him, kiss him, hug him and enjoy my everyday with him... well, i love him :)) that's the easiest way to describe why i'm feeling this way towards him.. within that short period of us being boyfriend/girlfriend, there's already A LOT of problems and i know i'm still walking on a string about his trust over me... i want to do everything to bring his trust back.. but there's always an evil aura that made everything a failure...

well, being in this relationship, i'm sure and without a doubt wants to be with him... and i want to be his wife :) maybe this is too futuristic but who cares. i love him..

happy day!

unexpected thing do happen

i never thought that things happened beyond my knowledge... well that's a little too exaggerated buy really, a lot of things happened lately. things that were unexpected, things that i never thought would happen. for a normal girl, yes, it was normal incidents... but i told you, i'm not your ordinary girl and that's why not-so-ordinary things happened to me. i don't really know what to feel or how to react on the situation but still what i knew for myself was that as long as i can make someone happy, it's okay.

the truth is no matter what i do, no matter what i choose, i never get what i want, i never get what makes me happy. A lot of times i tried my best to grab what i want, what i think i deserve but i still ended up giving it off to the people i want to see smiling. once i tried taking a risk, i chose to be happy and tried not to think of others happiness...but still someone got hurt, i got hurt and something's got broken. still, i never had the happiness i want.

now, i think there are times when i have to think about others. Give importance to the people to want to see me smiling, who likes to hear my silly jokes and outrageous laughter, who never get tired of listening to my stories, someone who gives importance to me... maybe i should make a glance at them and appreciate what they are doing...

unexpected things happen at the most unexpected time :)

better than any other

i like what's happening now.. everything seems so special. each ad every day is something i keep on looking forward ... it seems like time really is a great cure... time fix most of the things and if time can't fix it, you have to fix it yourself but... i;m so happy that i let time fix the broken road of my life. though it's not yet totally fixed, somehow i manage to put asphalt above the broken roads... all i have to do is finish fixing the road.. it may take longer than i can imagine but it's better than no improvement at all. 

what's happening now...i like it.. feels like i'm getting back to the way i used to be. im getting back to the old self i was before... the happy self i was before. and it's so much thanks to him... i'm happy that we're back to the old us :))

Thanks dude :)

is it payback time?

i don't know why i feel like i'm paying what i did before.. is it payback time?? i forgot that "word of honor" to my friend and now i think it's all getting back at me... actually i'm totally pissed off right now because of that word of honor. though there was no promise i still had the hope... i don't like going home early so i was in the mood to stay late outside going nowhere with somebody... but ... well... can't blame him... whatever!!

bye!! i'm not in the mood to write now... i had so much free time today and i was expecting that i can spend it going around somewhere... haist!!! i'm not okay.
jaa!!

try and try and try

hey... been doing lots of work lately...  trying my best to be okay... making myself feel that i'm okay and as far as my efforts are concerned, at least somehow i felt like i'm doing okay... this overworking exercise helps me think of something else but still there's always a part that thinks about him. i guess it's better this way. can't really forget him totally... well, i don't know if i still have a lot more to say. i guess i do have but i'm not in the mood of writing now so maybe next time... of course, as always... i'll be back when the mood strikes me to write :)

bye!

Overworking mind.

Overworking mind.

January 18 2014, 13:23

lots of things happened.. i don't know how to end and where to start again... up til now, i've been tormenting myself by thinking and showing that i'm really okay though deep inside there was still a thought of never giving up... there's no point in holding on to someone who already let go of your hand. i'm being a fool again. and i feel so sorry for myself for feeling this way. i just can't forget things easily, especially the things that really made me happy, made me feel special and appreciated. 

as of now, i'm doing my best to be okay, over working my mind is my only way to stop thinking about unnecessary things. it's a little difficult because it made my body feel the restlessness but this is what i have to do... pushing myself to be motivated to the my paper works. feeding my brain with lots of information by reading and pushing my brain to its limit by reading lots of books. i can't make a single moment of space to think of what happened. though at times, i think of that and it made my heart shiver in pain. especially when his last words echoed inside my head. i feel like i was showered my an ice-cold water and made my heart frozen... nobody want to defrost it because it's not worth defrosting. :(

if i keep on writing stuffs about these feelings i guess i can't move on. but this is my only way to release all the pain my heart bears. HEY! YOU, IF EVER YOU COME ACROSS MY BLOG AGAIN AND READ THIS... I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU "THANK YOU FOR THE MOMENTS YOU MADE ME FEEL SPECIAL AND LOVED AND APPRECIATED EVEN THOUGH IT WAS JUST FOR TEMPORARY. I HOPE WHEN YOU'RE DONE FIXING YOUR ROAD, YOU'LL WALK ACROSS MINE AND DROP BY TO SAY HI! THAT'S ALL! THANK YOU!"

there were times that i thought i'm regretting the moments that i had fun with him but it always fade easily. then i realize, i'm not regretting anything. from the craziest thing we shared up to the most painful goodbye. i'm not regretting anything. it was because of him i learned that i should stick to my principle and believe my own virtues in life. taking risk always come with doubt. only Faith will prove that you did good in making that decision. :)

i don't know how many blog entries i had written for this month?? hmm well look forward for more... i'm gonna be writing again :)

Instinct and Quicksand

Instinct and Quicksand

I never felt this way before. For the first time in my life I felt like I’m sensing something I can’t explain. I don’t want to overthink things but I don’t know why I felt that way most especially whenever I think about him. He’s been always what I think of and he’s already a part of me. I was dragged into his quicksand and can’t get out of it, well, actually I chose not to get out of it. Though I’ve been struggling, I took the risk to get deeper into it because that’s where my heart leads me. Pain, heartache, numbness… they are all part of his quicksand and truly to be known, I made myself stuck in it. He told me I could get out of it if I try but I don’t want to. I know it sounds like I’m just forcing myself to him… I don’t know. I can’t even know what to do with my feelings. I overly fallen for him. Weirdly in love with him. I hated myself for this. I betrayed a friendship and took the risk of choosing him, I fooled myself too much to believe on  things I never want to believe, and this feelings made a lot of broken roads which I need to fix. I don’t know if its just normal to someone in love to feel weird like this but what I really concluded is that my girl part have been activated by him and as proof, my instincts tells me something I can’t easily comprehend. My heart knows what’s happening but I don’t understand the language it spoke. Maybe I don’t really understand my own heart. There’s a lot of stuffs that’s been on my head right now and I can’t make my fingers write everything it sends. My heart’s been so weak since that day that I let my guard down. I let someone trespass my realm and now it came to this. He entered my fortress and I don’t want him to go anywhere anymore. I just want him to stay inside with me. I want him to be with me forever. Im being selfish I know and this is what I hated about myself. Whenever I want to be happy, my happiness just leads me to selfishness and sometimes I can’t control it especially when I’m too happy with everything. I’m too selfish… as he entered my realm, there I am wandering off and suddenly dragged into the quicksand he brought inside my realm. I loved him and I love him. I don’t know until when will I be like this but as long as I can feel it in my bones—these weird sensing of situations, I will be in love with him. I’m so damn crazy and weird! T__T

january 6, 2014

shit heart

Damn! What am I doing?? Im hurting myself again!! Damn it!! Why does it hurt so much when she’s the one who told me that? It really hurts! I feel like my heart’s gonna be torn into pieces. My knees weakened and my body feels so much chill inside. It hurts so much that I want to cry so bad but tears just don’t fall down. My heart has been feeling weird for the past days and now her words add up to my failing heart. My heart feels like it’s being squeezed by her own hand. It really hurts. Damn this feeling!! I’m not regretting that I still love him and I’m still in love with him… it’s just that I feel like I’m gonna fall down to my feet. Why do I have to fall deeply in love with someone who’s already tied up with her? I chose this for myself, I know but.. this pain… I thought I can handle it. I thought I can manage to smile beyond all these hidden pain but again and again I’m wrong! I’m always wrong. I can’t hide the fact that I’m so much hurt I feel like dying. DAMN!!!!! I hate this feeling.. I want to rip off my heart and throw it as far as I can!! I want to hide this feeling by whenever I am with him I just want to show him more.. show him and prove to him how much I love him… but seems like we are really in the wrong time… we are in the wrong planet… we are not in our world… we can’t rule here. We can’t make things happen here… too bad I got late and he’s tied up… shit! I really love him that’s why it hurts so bad!!! I really don’t know what to do right now.. I’m really hurt… SHIT!

23:01

09DEC2013

Im not myself so much

My heart never strops worrying for the whole day. I feel like there’s a big something that’s missing—and that was his presence. He was supposed to be with me today but fate really seemed to hate us—me especially, for not allowing me to be happy. I told him I’m not expecting anything but the hope was there. You cannot blame me for keeping all the hope if you started discussing the plans. It’s just so hard to ignore that hope in my heart. He never called… yes he left a couple of messages for the whole day but those were messages I didn’t understand. Oh! I’m feeling this way again. He told me that the plan will be cancelled if “that” happens and I think “that” really happened. I just hope he left a message about it. This feeling—a hopeful yet no-can-do feeling… it’s just so weird. And honestly, I’m really missiing him. For the whole day, I always think about what would he do if he’s with me?...how would he react about my family?... will he still be cool if my family bombarded him with bunch of questions?... will he enjoy being with the babies? How will he spend the night in our home?... will he be fine with our small home? I kept on thinking about all this the whole day. But at the back of my every questions… there are more questions… is he with her today? What are they doing at the moment?... is he happy while he’s with her?... does he think of me even for a moment? Did he gave a thought of going afterall? What’s on his mind, why he didn’t text or call me? A lot of questions but left unanswered. Keeping this feeling made me fore fragile and weak but the hopes on this feelings keep me strong and fixed. I don’t know if I should still keep this love for him but ending or forgetting it is also not an easy thing to do. Only time can answer all these questions. I don’t know how this story of us would end but I hope there will be no ending. I loved him. I love him. I still love him and I will love him always. My heart keeps on thinking about him until this hour so I hope I can sleep well without hearing his voice or reading a message from him. Bye!

14December2013

22:27

Akemashite omedetou!

Akemashite omedetou!

Hey there! New year!... so this calls for new year’s resolution… actually I haven’t given it a thought yet. But I have a few on my list:

1.       Book every payday

2.       Guitar and flute (I should have started studying it again)

3.       Be a little more feminine J

4.       Be productive

5.       Save. Save. Save

These are few of my resolutions that, well, I wish to do this year. Simple yet hard to do haha and one last thing… CONTINUE FALLING INLOVE. I have given myself ample of time to enjoy the life alone, now, I think its time to fall in love and experience being in a real relationship. I know this one is the hardest one to do. Why? Because even if I fall in love with someone, to be in a relationship, it requires two individual falling in love with one another. So that means, it is only applicable if someone falls for me, too, the same way that I fall for him… which tells me that… hmmm I still have a long way to go. No one ever fall for me. And I suck when it comes to love life. I always had unrequited love so this is really a big resolution. J

Well… let’s hope for the best this year!! I hoped it will be a great year since I had so much time talking to him over the phone yesterday so… he started out my year so good… thanks! So til next time! Jaa!

02January2014

our star

OUR STAR

I’ve been walking to You since long before

But still I got lost and miserable

Giants and enemies keep on attacking me

My defenselessness is just so clear to see

 

I held on to Your hand and grasp it tight

Afraid to be left alone in the place with no light

I tried as much as I might

To do the things I know is right

 

But in my doorless world I was unaware

You let someone peek in and stare

I’m not sure if he’s there because you let him be

Or he was sent to keep on hurting me

 

But Lord, as I pray each day and night

The more I feel that he was there to fight

He knows You, and love You and believe in You

His faith and trust to You, I know it’s true

 

As we both speak about You one night

I felt something I haven’t felt before

In his words I saw that You’re our star shining bright

Lifting our hearts and You, we adore

 

Confused in the situation that we’re in

Afraid of the consequences it may bring

But Lord, I know how amazing You are

That You will let everything in par

 

In Your time, I know You set everything in place

My trust in You, I will never let it fade

I love him Lord and You brought him to me

And I love You Lord, for letting him be part of me

 

As I end this simple poetry I made

Thank You is the best word to be said

I learned to trust not in fate

But in You, God and in my Faith.

09Dec2013

20:48

i'll always be waiting... :(

hey! been long time since i last updated this blog.. getting busy with my job...

im here to write again the stuffs that has been bugging my little head.. and my failing heart..

i feel miserable again. why? because i loved and still in love with him though i know he has someone before i even met him. i feel like i entered some relationship and wreck it... i wasn't really expecting that i will fall deeply in love with him... but though i am aware of our situation... our weird and complicated situation, i am still in love with him.. i love him and i will keep on loving him until i finally realize that if he's not the one, then he's not.. but as long as i feel that he's the one He gave me, i will still keep on holding to the small end of the rope and wait til he catch up on me... yes. he did made a promise that he will catch up. he just have to straight things up and right time will be for us. i am holding on to the promise he made. i trust him so much. yes indeed... im still in love with him... i will always be... 

lazy job

ever since this typhoon started...i did nothing but sleep, eat, watch movies and anime... a cycle that made my brain so rusty..i feel so lazy. i cant even write stuffs. i cant do the things i used to do when im bored. i dont want to move so much.. and im so damn lazy... hahha. i cant even review for my board exam.. oh stupid me... i cant let my brain work.. see this stuff im writing?? this is so non sense but im still writing this.. for what? nothing. i just want to write up something from my head.. well..

i feel so lazy..really.. so until next time!! bye!