try and try and try

hey... been doing lots of work lately...  trying my best to be okay... making myself feel that i'm okay and as far as my efforts are concerned, at least somehow i felt like i'm doing okay... this overworking exercise helps me think of something else but still there's always a part that thinks about him. i guess it's better this way. can't really forget him totally... well, i don't know if i still have a lot more to say. i guess i do have but i'm not in the mood of writing now so maybe next time... of course, as always... i'll be back when the mood strikes me to write :)

bye!

Overworking mind.

Overworking mind.

January 18 2014, 13:23

lots of things happened.. i don't know how to end and where to start again... up til now, i've been tormenting myself by thinking and showing that i'm really okay though deep inside there was still a thought of never giving up... there's no point in holding on to someone who already let go of your hand. i'm being a fool again. and i feel so sorry for myself for feeling this way. i just can't forget things easily, especially the things that really made me happy, made me feel special and appreciated. 

as of now, i'm doing my best to be okay, over working my mind is my only way to stop thinking about unnecessary things. it's a little difficult because it made my body feel the restlessness but this is what i have to do... pushing myself to be motivated to the my paper works. feeding my brain with lots of information by reading and pushing my brain to its limit by reading lots of books. i can't make a single moment of space to think of what happened. though at times, i think of that and it made my heart shiver in pain. especially when his last words echoed inside my head. i feel like i was showered my an ice-cold water and made my heart frozen... nobody want to defrost it because it's not worth defrosting. :(

if i keep on writing stuffs about these feelings i guess i can't move on. but this is my only way to release all the pain my heart bears. HEY! YOU, IF EVER YOU COME ACROSS MY BLOG AGAIN AND READ THIS... I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU "THANK YOU FOR THE MOMENTS YOU MADE ME FEEL SPECIAL AND LOVED AND APPRECIATED EVEN THOUGH IT WAS JUST FOR TEMPORARY. I HOPE WHEN YOU'RE DONE FIXING YOUR ROAD, YOU'LL WALK ACROSS MINE AND DROP BY TO SAY HI! THAT'S ALL! THANK YOU!"

there were times that i thought i'm regretting the moments that i had fun with him but it always fade easily. then i realize, i'm not regretting anything. from the craziest thing we shared up to the most painful goodbye. i'm not regretting anything. it was because of him i learned that i should stick to my principle and believe my own virtues in life. taking risk always come with doubt. only Faith will prove that you did good in making that decision. :)

i don't know how many blog entries i had written for this month?? hmm well look forward for more... i'm gonna be writing again :)

Instinct and Quicksand

Instinct and Quicksand

I never felt this way before. For the first time in my life I felt like I’m sensing something I can’t explain. I don’t want to overthink things but I don’t know why I felt that way most especially whenever I think about him. He’s been always what I think of and he’s already a part of me. I was dragged into his quicksand and can’t get out of it, well, actually I chose not to get out of it. Though I’ve been struggling, I took the risk to get deeper into it because that’s where my heart leads me. Pain, heartache, numbness… they are all part of his quicksand and truly to be known, I made myself stuck in it. He told me I could get out of it if I try but I don’t want to. I know it sounds like I’m just forcing myself to him… I don’t know. I can’t even know what to do with my feelings. I overly fallen for him. Weirdly in love with him. I hated myself for this. I betrayed a friendship and took the risk of choosing him, I fooled myself too much to believe on  things I never want to believe, and this feelings made a lot of broken roads which I need to fix. I don’t know if its just normal to someone in love to feel weird like this but what I really concluded is that my girl part have been activated by him and as proof, my instincts tells me something I can’t easily comprehend. My heart knows what’s happening but I don’t understand the language it spoke. Maybe I don’t really understand my own heart. There’s a lot of stuffs that’s been on my head right now and I can’t make my fingers write everything it sends. My heart’s been so weak since that day that I let my guard down. I let someone trespass my realm and now it came to this. He entered my fortress and I don’t want him to go anywhere anymore. I just want him to stay inside with me. I want him to be with me forever. Im being selfish I know and this is what I hated about myself. Whenever I want to be happy, my happiness just leads me to selfishness and sometimes I can’t control it especially when I’m too happy with everything. I’m too selfish… as he entered my realm, there I am wandering off and suddenly dragged into the quicksand he brought inside my realm. I loved him and I love him. I don’t know until when will I be like this but as long as I can feel it in my bones—these weird sensing of situations, I will be in love with him. I’m so damn crazy and weird! T__T

january 6, 2014

shit heart

Damn! What am I doing?? Im hurting myself again!! Damn it!! Why does it hurt so much when she’s the one who told me that? It really hurts! I feel like my heart’s gonna be torn into pieces. My knees weakened and my body feels so much chill inside. It hurts so much that I want to cry so bad but tears just don’t fall down. My heart has been feeling weird for the past days and now her words add up to my failing heart. My heart feels like it’s being squeezed by her own hand. It really hurts. Damn this feeling!! I’m not regretting that I still love him and I’m still in love with him… it’s just that I feel like I’m gonna fall down to my feet. Why do I have to fall deeply in love with someone who’s already tied up with her? I chose this for myself, I know but.. this pain… I thought I can handle it. I thought I can manage to smile beyond all these hidden pain but again and again I’m wrong! I’m always wrong. I can’t hide the fact that I’m so much hurt I feel like dying. DAMN!!!!! I hate this feeling.. I want to rip off my heart and throw it as far as I can!! I want to hide this feeling by whenever I am with him I just want to show him more.. show him and prove to him how much I love him… but seems like we are really in the wrong time… we are in the wrong planet… we are not in our world… we can’t rule here. We can’t make things happen here… too bad I got late and he’s tied up… shit! I really love him that’s why it hurts so bad!!! I really don’t know what to do right now.. I’m really hurt… SHIT!

23:01

09DEC2013

Im not myself so much

My heart never strops worrying for the whole day. I feel like there’s a big something that’s missing—and that was his presence. He was supposed to be with me today but fate really seemed to hate us—me especially, for not allowing me to be happy. I told him I’m not expecting anything but the hope was there. You cannot blame me for keeping all the hope if you started discussing the plans. It’s just so hard to ignore that hope in my heart. He never called… yes he left a couple of messages for the whole day but those were messages I didn’t understand. Oh! I’m feeling this way again. He told me that the plan will be cancelled if “that” happens and I think “that” really happened. I just hope he left a message about it. This feeling—a hopeful yet no-can-do feeling… it’s just so weird. And honestly, I’m really missiing him. For the whole day, I always think about what would he do if he’s with me?...how would he react about my family?... will he still be cool if my family bombarded him with bunch of questions?... will he enjoy being with the babies? How will he spend the night in our home?... will he be fine with our small home? I kept on thinking about all this the whole day. But at the back of my every questions… there are more questions… is he with her today? What are they doing at the moment?... is he happy while he’s with her?... does he think of me even for a moment? Did he gave a thought of going afterall? What’s on his mind, why he didn’t text or call me? A lot of questions but left unanswered. Keeping this feeling made me fore fragile and weak but the hopes on this feelings keep me strong and fixed. I don’t know if I should still keep this love for him but ending or forgetting it is also not an easy thing to do. Only time can answer all these questions. I don’t know how this story of us would end but I hope there will be no ending. I loved him. I love him. I still love him and I will love him always. My heart keeps on thinking about him until this hour so I hope I can sleep well without hearing his voice or reading a message from him. Bye!

14December2013

22:27

Akemashite omedetou!

Akemashite omedetou!

Hey there! New year!... so this calls for new year’s resolution… actually I haven’t given it a thought yet. But I have a few on my list:

1.       Book every payday

2.       Guitar and flute (I should have started studying it again)

3.       Be a little more feminine J

4.       Be productive

5.       Save. Save. Save

These are few of my resolutions that, well, I wish to do this year. Simple yet hard to do haha and one last thing… CONTINUE FALLING INLOVE. I have given myself ample of time to enjoy the life alone, now, I think its time to fall in love and experience being in a real relationship. I know this one is the hardest one to do. Why? Because even if I fall in love with someone, to be in a relationship, it requires two individual falling in love with one another. So that means, it is only applicable if someone falls for me, too, the same way that I fall for him… which tells me that… hmmm I still have a long way to go. No one ever fall for me. And I suck when it comes to love life. I always had unrequited love so this is really a big resolution. J

Well… let’s hope for the best this year!! I hoped it will be a great year since I had so much time talking to him over the phone yesterday so… he started out my year so good… thanks! So til next time! Jaa!

02January2014

our star

OUR STAR

I’ve been walking to You since long before

But still I got lost and miserable

Giants and enemies keep on attacking me

My defenselessness is just so clear to see

 

I held on to Your hand and grasp it tight

Afraid to be left alone in the place with no light

I tried as much as I might

To do the things I know is right

 

But in my doorless world I was unaware

You let someone peek in and stare

I’m not sure if he’s there because you let him be

Or he was sent to keep on hurting me

 

But Lord, as I pray each day and night

The more I feel that he was there to fight

He knows You, and love You and believe in You

His faith and trust to You, I know it’s true

 

As we both speak about You one night

I felt something I haven’t felt before

In his words I saw that You’re our star shining bright

Lifting our hearts and You, we adore

 

Confused in the situation that we’re in

Afraid of the consequences it may bring

But Lord, I know how amazing You are

That You will let everything in par

 

In Your time, I know You set everything in place

My trust in You, I will never let it fade

I love him Lord and You brought him to me

And I love You Lord, for letting him be part of me

 

As I end this simple poetry I made

Thank You is the best word to be said

I learned to trust not in fate

But in You, God and in my Faith.

09Dec2013

20:48

i'll always be waiting... :(

hey! been long time since i last updated this blog.. getting busy with my job...

im here to write again the stuffs that has been bugging my little head.. and my failing heart..

i feel miserable again. why? because i loved and still in love with him though i know he has someone before i even met him. i feel like i entered some relationship and wreck it... i wasn't really expecting that i will fall deeply in love with him... but though i am aware of our situation... our weird and complicated situation, i am still in love with him.. i love him and i will keep on loving him until i finally realize that if he's not the one, then he's not.. but as long as i feel that he's the one He gave me, i will still keep on holding to the small end of the rope and wait til he catch up on me... yes. he did made a promise that he will catch up. he just have to straight things up and right time will be for us. i am holding on to the promise he made. i trust him so much. yes indeed... im still in love with him... i will always be... 

lazy job

ever since this typhoon started...i did nothing but sleep, eat, watch movies and anime... a cycle that made my brain so rusty..i feel so lazy. i cant even write stuffs. i cant do the things i used to do when im bored. i dont want to move so much.. and im so damn lazy... hahha. i cant even review for my board exam.. oh stupid me... i cant let my brain work.. see this stuff im writing?? this is so non sense but im still writing this.. for what? nothing. i just want to write up something from my head.. well..

i feel so lazy..really.. so until next time!! bye!

why can't i try harder?

i've been with lots of people who experienced too much failure or despair. those feelings became their foundation to keep trying harder so that they will never be the same loser again... but i suddenly realized how come i can't make myself try any harder? Am i incapable of doing things beyond my boundaries or i'm just not motivated to do things better.
 whenever i met people like them i always feel like a loser--a great, stupid loser who can't do things without depending on others. but there is one guy whom i always depend on said that i am not depending on him or to anyone. i said " how can you say that?" he said "when you have exams, you read your books, your search on pc and internet, you use the resources you have. who bought the books? you. who type what to search on the internet? you. who looks for the resources? you. You're the one who do all those things. you didn't depend on me or to anyone. If ever you asked me some things and i helped you, it is because of your privilege. we're strangers until we form a alliance and then a friendship. this is one of the benefits of our friendship. you're not depending on me" and after what he told me, i felt pity on myself... i know from the start that without him, this guy that i always wanted to talk to, i think i can't make myself try even a little. His small insults made my competitive and want to try more. i want to beat him at least at one point of our similarities but i cant find anything to beat him. he's always three steps ahead of me... but you know what, i am happy that even he's ahead of me he always looked back and check if im still fine. though he didn't say it... i know that this cool, mean, cocky guy is always a caring and sweet man... :)

im so glad that i met him and he came to my life... i always liked him even until now and i guess this is all we're ever gonna be. though some people really wanted more than this for us... im sorry dudes but there's nothing to expect from us. we're bounded with limitations and boundaries that only us can see.

i wish i will be able to know how to try harder... i mean hardest... give more of what i have... exert more than what i can give. honestly i want to torment myself like working too hard.. as in too hard... spending all my time working and working and working until i can't stand anymore. until all my energy was sucked up. until i can no longer lift a single finger. i want to make myself busy and hard working... i just don't know how... i want to get myself tired of working and moving... not tired of doing nothing...

i am totally tired of having my emotions get over me... i need to change.. HENSHIN!! HENSHIN!! HENSHIN!!! changes really are scary but i think they are good in some ways... so im gonna start changing myself little by little..

JAA!! matta ne~

brain damage!!

i don't know what's going on with my way of thinking. before, i am used to think things better and faster... random or not... but now?? i can't even know if what i'm thinking about is right or not. sometimes, i did things before i even realize it... my mind as always late... i can't process my mind...i'm always thinking nonsense things.. and i can't help it... i want to have my old thinking skills back!! i hate this paranoid and foggy head i have now...

this sucks!

Why it has to be me? I thought everything’s gonna be okay. But why does it have to be me? i had enough of this depression. I don’t know how to let this all out. I feel that words are not enough to release everything. Keeping all these pain and misery made me more selfish. I don’t know how to be happy anymore. I feel like the more I try to be happy and enjoy what I have the more I feel depressed and disappointed.  I hate to cry to about this matter but this is all I can do for now! DAMN!! THIS IS SO LAME!!!! I’m such a weakling… crying over such non sense thing? What the hell!!?? Is this the result of all that finding-myself-moment I had before?? I became so weak and an overly cry baby… honestly, there’s nothing much to cry about and that is the reason why I can’t tell to anyone why I’m crying because even I don’t know the reason behind all these tears. but you know, the truth is I feel so weak, helpless, hopeless and unworthy. I don’t feel there is a need for me to stay alive. This feeling of immaturity sucks!!! Plus that family problem I had… why do I have to bear all these burden??? Why only me?? I know sometimes I’m over reacting on things like this but all my weakness showed up during this moments and seriously THIS SUCKS!!!!  How I wish I have him here, he knows what to say to comfort me and make me smile…. He’s the only one who have that kind of magic… 

my grayness fades at this moment :(

good day :)

konnichiwa~~

hey, today is just a god day. good thing, no one ruin my good vibes. hahaha well, im still here at work and its just my vacant time so i have time to relax.. wew~ i can only do this every tuesday and thursday.. haha

well, im okay now... i'll rant more when the mood strikes me. :)


bye! have a nice and blessed day!

THIS FEELING SUCKS!

damn! this is the first time i ever feel this kind of worse feeling. i made a promise that i'm gonna control myself as much as i can but hell, dude,, what have i done??? i wasn't able to keep my temper and i did that. worst, those stupid people blabber things about what happened without even knowing the truth.
i dont know why this week feels like trouble. since monday, i never felt being hyper or excited going to work. all i ever felt is another day of tension and criticisms.. i dont mind being criticized but just not on the day im not in the mood.
actually, there were a lot of times that i want to cry but i still tried my best to keep it and pretend that im okay. okay, maybe sometimes i cant hide it on my facial expressions but as much as i can, i did my best to keep a firm attitude toward my work. but i believe in this principle, that when you dont like what you're doing, you'll never be happy and you ended up messing around and that's what's happening to me right now on my job...
i dont like the environment im in. i dont like the people. i dont like anyone bossing around. im not into following instructions.. i hate my paperworks!! these complains i keep inside me are the factors why i can't enjoy the job im in...

i hope that next week will be a total change. i dont want to breakdown! i dont want to cry because of this!!! Y_Y

New--Yes I am!

New—Yes I am…

Hi there! Well, as you see, something happened that changed me. For the past months, I’d been sucked up into a very terrifying place. I’d been in a place where all my happiness was sealed into an invisible container and was tightly closed. That place was really horrifying that I don’t even remember when and how did I end there. While I was there, I tend to forgot so many things. I forgot all the happiness, the love, the laughs and memories. All my precious memories had been stolen from me and I wasn’t able to fight for it because I was at its mercy. There’s nothing I can do but give it up. I struggled for it but still, the force poured down on me was beyond what I can hold. There’s so much thing in my life that was lost and kept from me… but now, I am getting it back! Everything they stole from me—I will definitely get it back!

I know there’s so many things that’s going through my head right now and I can’t keep them all together, there’s so many things that I need to get back and it will add to my thoughts but no matter how loaded my head would be, it’s my precious happiness… it’s my precious memories that I treasured so I definitely keep them all from where they were before.

For a long time, I was lost. Totally lost. Not one single life on me can be seen. I was afraid. I was confused. I was hurt so badly. And that dimension showed me how painful all those feelings were. I was consumed by my own suffering, battled over my own strength, struggled over my own courage but I lost in the game and I was doomed. I thought there’s no other way for me to get back on my feet, to start a new life or better say continue my real life. But last Saturday, something that I thought was stolen from me was actually always with me. I thought everyone left me behind but this something remains and I wasn’t aware of it. Because I was so absorbed by my own cowardice, I failed to feel that I was the one who left; I was the one who distance myself from the world. Just to feel secured in my own wall, I manage to hide in my little fence. Despite of my hiding, there He is, still waiting for me to come back into his arms. He’s waiting for me to take a peek on my wall and when I did, He held me and hugged me and said “I LOVE YOU”. That was the sweetest thing I ever heard that moment. Those three words break the horrifying dimension built inside me. He never had given up on me no matter how many times I fail Him, no matter how many times I get back to Him and ran away again, no matter how many times I disobey Him. His eternal love made me comeback to life. His grace filled my heart with joy and happiness. I have to tell Him this! “I LOVE YOU, TOO!!!” <3

03 June 2013

23:22

introduction :) the story of my life--the summary

Hi! I already have lots of blogs bit I forgot to write my introduction. There’s so much to tell about myself and I still haven’t decided if I’m gonna write it. Well, I’ll decide while I’m on the process of writing.

Because this is a public blog (though it looked more like a private blog because no one reads it other than me) I’ll have this way of introduction. I’m Kirigaya Hoshiko, a graduate from a non-prestigious university, but it has its reputation on its name with a degree of a respected course that involves children, parents, teeners and lots of paper works.

I’m a person with contrasting personalities… sometimes my alter ego’s superior to me especially at night. How come I have such kind of personality? Well, I like things and sometimes dislike them. Or should I say it’s not a matter of liking or disliking something, it’s just that I’m not in the mood to like or dislike something. Well, I love colourful things! They are very lively, very cheerful and it lifts my spirit up. I feel like colors bring out something in me but despite of it, I love dark and weird colors. Something’s so mysterious about them. They feel so unique and strong. I also like cute things—things that little children used to like. They bring out my childish side and I also love weird stuffs like skeletons and hairy stuff toys like makkuro-kurosuke. I like the sound of people chatting, laughing like there’s no tomorrow, I like the liveliness of the environment but when the sun goes down and darkness filled the sky, I like to be alone and be with myself. That is the moment when random thoughts attack.

Most people say that I’m such a very friendly creature and smile never left me. A very talkative girl with so many stories to tell. A girl who loves adventure and love to try new things. Not because this is my own blog, I can tell lies to flatter myself, na-ah! I don’t like that. And this is the truth. I am not a pretty girl, not talented either. I am not attractive or special in any way. I am just ordinary, simple and never stand out in things I do. Some people say I’m weird, other say I’m the usual type of person. Actually, I never see any uniqueness in me. I know it may sound a little self-pity but that is the truth. I am a little boyish and I don’t like too much girls’ stuff like dresses and make ups and the like but when the mood strikes me, I tell you, I love dressing up.

I may not look like it but honestly, I am a shy girl and I can’t stand it in front may many eyes staring at me. It really freaks the hell out of me! But I am used to be with different people. I can stand in front of them but not in too much crowd. For sure I’ll shiver my knees out there! Ha ha ha. I think I was born with that kind of ability, to be adaptive and flexible no matter what the situations are (one of my special friend once told me I’m like a chameleon).

I enjoy my life with family and friends. They are my top priorities. First, family, second friends. My family is the best group I ever had. We may not be like the usual “tropa” but being with them I can be the me with my friends. Whenever I am not with my family, then you can find me loitering around others houses :] I used to gatecrash my friend’s houses. Whenever I don’t feel like going home or i wanted to sleep on others houses, I’ll just drag my stuffs and run to them and I’m settled. Most of my friends’ families know me and liked me for the reasons I don’t know but of course, you can’t please everybody. I can’t make myself be liked by everyone. If they don’t like me… that’s fine. I’m well aware of that. At first, of course, being immature, it bothered me and I want them to like me. I want to have their trust but soon I realized that I did nothing to make them dislike me and it didn’t bother me at all now. I can’t force them to like me. If they see me as bad influence to their child, so be it. I don’t give a damn care! Especially when that time! That single moment when i feel like a creature banned to enter their house. I felt I am not truly welcome there and so I left. I’m not that insensitive.

School life :]

My life during elementary days was fun. I was a kid and most of I time, I played, like what kids usually do. Vague memories of elementary days remained in my head. I don’t seem to remember so often since I haven’t got in touch with them. During those days, I didn’t have a thought of making my days a memorable one. Everyday is like the other days. School, friends, play—that’s it for a kid without any mind on treasuring the fresh days. So then go to my high school life this period of my life was the best. Almost every moment’s a treasure. Every laughter, every conversation, every little detail of it was carved in my memory. I was really happy back then. The school, the classrooms, the classmates, we were the worst class but damn—it was the best memory!! This was the time where we all changed and got matured but naturally, we were still kids. My days in high school were full of memories and friendship. I never regretted I attended that school. When I was about to enter my college years, of course, I was damn afraid. I was really shaking and sweats poured out of me so early in the morning. My heart beats like I run a hundred miles and my head was foggy. I know I sounded a little over-exaggerated but it was the truth. I was like that because it was my first time to set foot on a big university ( it looks really big when I saw it the first time, but as soon as I got used to it, I feel bored ha ha ha). My elementary and high school in the province were not that big and a little unpopulated that’s why I was shocked. This period of my life, I guess, was the season of great changes and I was in a complete disaster. My mind and heart never moved as one. I wanted to do so much things but something’s preventing me from doing it. I have so many regrets that I can blame no one but myself. College days seemed to pass by slowly and I got bored about the monotonous life. I feel like all my adventurous spirits left me. My consciousness tremble inside me. I was not me. And the real me was nowhere to be found. The rage of my power was unsatisfied with what I did. I feel like I know I can do more, I can do a lot of things but did nothing. There are so many reasons but in the end, all the blame will end up in me. I hold myself back to do the things I want because if I continue doing it, I might miss the flow of the river. And I was afraid. Years passed and I stay the same while everyone changed. Yeah, I guess I changed too, but I changed for the worse. I wasn’t able to lift myself up. Something’s missing and I need to find it so that I can fix myself. But until this time, I don’t know what I’m missing. Until now, I can’t revive the equilibrium of my life.

When I entered my last year of college, a lot of things happened—unexpected things. But they just come and go and never stayed for long. Of course, as my immaturity strikes, I had high hopes of making him stay but he never did, so why keep running after someone who doesn’t want you. Don’t wait until someone calls you STUPID for the things you did. That’s what I learned.

I guess since then, I changed again-for worst. Maybe I was really hurt. I was so absorbed by my little world of hopeless, romantic fantasy. I was hurt and I guess I never cried more than once. it’s hard to cry secretly, bearing all the pain, damn that’s so painful but that’s what I did. Alone, in the darkness, tears I shed were more than I thought I can produce. I wonder that time how much water was left inside my body. After that, I hated the days I shed tears. I felt like it wasn’t me. It wasn’t the usual me. I told myself I don’t ever wanna cry over that stuff again!

At present, I’m still in search for a job and of course praying that I’ll find one soon. I don’t really like staying at home 24/7. I’m gonna be sick if I do that. I swear! I got bored easily especially when I got no books beside me. Of course, books of my favourite author. Also, I got bored and tired of the daily routine, doing it over and over again, daily.

Well, as far as this blog goes, I guess this is my summary of my somehow complicated life. I told you, there’s so many to tell but none of it has any substance. Nothing is worth reading. Maybe I’ll tell you more about me sooner or later. . . YOU?—what the hell was that?! Hahah You is Me and Me is You. I am the avid fan of my blog! YEY!

So… having this blog really is a great outlet for me. Having all this stupid, random thoughts bugging inside my head, swear, I can’t sleep at all. I’ll go crazy if I didn’t let this out. All my screws gonna loose!

Thank you for wasting your time reading this nonsense blog! I hope you find it annoying and never visit this blog again. I thank you BOW!!

15 april 2013

01:34

WHEN I SEE THE LIGHT -- POEM

When I see the light

How I live my life, I don’t know for sure

I live a life that’s even obscure

A life worth nothing of a cure

A life that only I can endure

I live the way I wanted to live

A life that’s even not worthy to give

A way of living that can deceive

A way of life that nobody needs

Until that day came to me

When I was in my darkest misery

All I felt was more than I can carry

I was in the dark nobody can see

As days passed by I was left alone

Feeling the chills down to the bone

The sadness and sorrow restrained in my zone

Keep hunting me in my secret unknown

A soft touch from my soaking face

A light that dazzled before my gaze

The warmth of the careful, sweet embrace

Someone was saving me from the blaze

I looked up to view his image

But all I saw was a hand I engaged

Walking together, getting out of the cage

The feeling of freedom I lost for age

I wasn’t able to know His name

Or asked the place where He came

He held me softly but not too lame

Protecting me from the evils blame

Long after I was saved from darkness

Seldom had I made a thought of emptiness

But something’s wrong with my happiness

I’m still at lost brought with wrong innocence

Then I found the answer to my question

When I entered a hall without hesitation

There I saw the Man of protection

The Man I longed to have an introduction

I saw Him right in front of me

He smiled and hugged me tightly

I wrapped my arms around Him bravely

And say “I found You, finally”

He flashed a smile and said something

“I never left you, I’m always here guiding”

“I have been here ever since, longing and waiting”

“You’re never be lost again.” Our hands holding

I smiled at Him with tears falling from me

It wasn’t too late to find my Family

My Father who saved me from misery

Our Father who will bring us to eternity

The light I saw in Him, I saw it pass through me

My worldly body and soul I have now for free

I thank Him so much for never leaving me

And I will treasure the light He put inside me

Beniz Calapine

23 April 23, 2013

20:32

most difficult part about writing

I’ve been writing random things since long before and I always have the same problem over and over again. It is the most difficult part about writing. Maybe it wasn’t just me who think it’s the most difficult, most of the people who loves writing I guess. So what is the most difficult part about writing—the beginning. Yes, the beginning of your work is the most difficult part. You have to consider many things. You have to think of the right words to start your story. Words should follow the timing of the story. That’s why the most crucial part in writing stories or anything you want to write is the start. What would be the first word you’re going to put? What would be the meaning of the first sentence? How do you want readers react on the first paragraph? You have to get the attention of the reader. You have to capture their hearts with the little words they read. Your first sentence must be captivating; you have to make sure that once they read it, they would never want to stop reading the whole story.

Writing has been my hobby. It is my outlet, my way of expressing myself whenever I have no one to talk to. I am a talkative person, yes indeed, that’s why I need an outlet so that the words I want to talk about would be released in my head. I realized that whenever I was by myself, especially at night, thoughts crammed in my head and it made me hard to sleep. I felt like I want to talk to somebody, I want to tell everything that’s in my head, I want to let it all out but I have no one to talk to so the words and emotions filled my little head. That’s when I thought of writing it. I have been writing on my dear teppei but it was different from the things I usually write. Since then, during my alone time, it became easy for me to express everything. Thought just pass through my head down to my pen and before I realize it, I already have something to read. Yes, they were my thoughts, things that roam around my head, I am the writer and at the same time I am also the reader. With this set-up I’m fine even I’m alone.

So back to what I was saying earlier, the start of the story is very difficult; even writing an essay or a poem. I remembered whenever I need to write an essay, it takes me fifteen minutes or sometimes one whole day, depending on the allotted time for writing it, to think of how I should start it. Within that period, bunch of words rammed inside my head and I have to choose the words to use, the scenarios I’m going to share, the ending of my essay. After deciding how to start, I let my pen touch my paper. Once I start writing, I will continuously write and before I realize it, I’m done writing. Without grasping the whole idea of what I am writing, when I have the beginning of my work, words will just pass through my pen and fill the paper with lots of things. Words keep on coming and going, vivid images of my work will pop into my head. At the end of my work, everything I have in mind is on my paper. I’ll read it over again, checking if I forgotten something, and if I am satisfied enough about my work, I feel relieved.

My simple way of expressing myself created a huge impact on my intrapersonal aspect. Before, I always wanted to be appreciated, my works be praised, my ideas be accepted but as we grow old, all the things you thought you can have will not happen as you please. Sometimes, you have to be alone, make time for yourself and cherish the human being inside you. You have to make yourself feel special not in the eyes of other people but in your own eyes. It may be difficult to start something but once you have something to begin with, you know how to make it something worthy. The flow of your story will be the lesson of your life. It’s difficult to start a life. It may take time to hold its beginning, but no matter how long it takes, you life will be more meaningful once you have your thoughts fixed. Your life will create a world that’s beyond your reach—a world that only few people can enter, a world that revolves around you and you don’t have to think about how others would think about it because it’s your world. And in your own world, you rule! To start something, indeed, is the most difficult that’s why we need to prepare and arrange our thoughts before writing anything. When you have something great in mind to start it, for sure the ending of your story will be the best. 

25 April 2013    

10:55:15

sleeping at the veranda under the full moon night :")

it's so hot even at night so my friend and i decided to sleep outside...

hahaha this is just another cool thing we used to do whenever we're together.

actually, i'm always having my sleep overs in their house :) so whenever i decided not to go home... i always ending up here :) i'm part of their family now. hahaha

and i'm totally thankful that they treat me like i'm really part of the family.. i so much love them :)

Anima – The Dimension of the Other World

I always envy the other world. Everything can happen there. Their world can create possibilities more than fairy tales can. Their world can make something out of nothing. How I wish I am part of their world. How I wish I can live there. I feel so inferior to their dimension. If only reality from this world can make a reality like in Anima.

In Anima, your hard work paid off the way you wanted it to be. You get the result you wished to have. You are appreciated and your perseverance gives you the best result you deserve. Your stubbornness is a good factor. Being serious about everything will give you a good reputation. Your uniqueness is highly appreciated. Your will to win things over will lead you to victory. You always have the situation play on your hand. And if you’re the protagonist, you’re always ending up happy. No matter how many battles you fought, how many painful memories you had, how many dangers you encountered, in Anima, it is your happiness and victory that counts. The possibilities in that dimension are beyond limit. It is infinite. Everything and anything, no matter how painful you’ve gone through, you’re always ending up in the good side. Anything can happen there. Impossible is unacceptable. The people you have side by side will never leave you, never betray you and never let you feel alone. You always have someone you can turn to, someone you can release all your pain to, someone who will be there no matter how hard things in life get. You can have the best people in Anima. This is the ideal, perfect world. In this world, no matter how hard you try, it’s not always you ended up the way you wanted it to be. You can’t predict what will happen if you made a single mistake. One wrong move and everything you plan will change its course. Even if you give your everything, it’s still not enough. Hard work is not enough. Perseverance is not enough. Determination is not enough. Your desire to win the battle, to be on top is not enough to have the best result. A little rest from everything will make your future in chaos. In this world, rest is not accepted. You have to continuously fight for everything or else, someone will instantly get what you’re aiming for so long. To gain reputation you have to lose your life. Stubbornness is one heck of a factor. You will be hated forever with that. You have to be the person that the society accepts. Your uniqueness became your weakness. You have been criticized by your originality. What the world wants from you is the image that everyone has. You have to be just like everyone so that the people will not look down on you. Their stares are the look that made you feel so puny. If you fight for yourself or for the sake of others, they will look for your faults, putting all the blame to you. Painful memories will forever hunt you no matter how hard you try to forget it. It will always be a part of you. Pain, sorrow, regret, troubles—they will forever be beside you. You may have a lot of people behind you but only few will stay and within that few people, maybe no one understands you. They may be with you always but they can only see the outside you. This world is imperfect. This world is made from impossibilities. And how come I am a part of this world? It is because this imperfect world created the imperfect me and so I belong to the inferior beings of the inferior world.

24 April 2013

17:56